The War of the Rohirrim

Or: You can ride a horse, but can you draw one?

Oh Eowyn, how you’ve been missed. Since first she strode in Saxon-inspired finery across the screens and rode-forth to smote the Witch-King of Angmar in his gob, the princess of Rohan, finest of the Horse Lords, has always had a sweet place in my heart, the poster child for warrior women who would slay just as well and better if only the dunderheaded boys would let them.

Now the silver tones of Miranda Otto’s voice leads us through the tale of her esteemed ancestor Hera (Gaia Wise*), daughter of Helm Hammerhead (Brian Cox). Though as Eowyn tells us, no songs are sung of Hera, yet she more or less ended the eponymous war. Why are there no songs then? And there begins my sorrow.

Despite being a valiant rider and bold adventurer Hera is forever chained by the expectations of her father, namely to be the most advantageous bride possible. She has her backers, her ladies maid Olwyn (Lorraine Ashbourne**) and cousin Frealaf (Laurence Ubong Willians), but King Helm will hear none of it. When her hand is sought by her childhood friend and sparring partner Wulf (Luke Pasqualino), an unlucky stroke breaks the king’s Whitten and leaves the country ready for war.

Let me be the first to say, dear reader, that I am an Anime illiterate. It’s conventions of illustration, and of storytelling, are lost to me. And, though the War of Rohirrim honors Tolkin’s world and the live action interpretations that came before it, there are certain conventions (characters whose eyes fizz like an bad satellite television, or shirtless old men, with biceps thicker than their waists, bounding down hillsides to pile drive their enemies) that do not carry the same resonance with me.

Many was the moment, striving for tragedy or awe, that was met by a solitary snicker from my seat.

Though I be harsh, let me assure you dear reader, the movie is no waste of time or talent. It’s scenery is undeniably beautiful, for one thing, with winter mountains afire with snow and sunlight, the great halls of Edoras and the Hornburg lovely detailed. And when the battle is joined the fights are intimately detailed and thrillingly heroic. But the horses upon which our heroes ride forth have an odd half formed look about them (and somebody at the animators table really, really hates Elephants). For a film about the pride and glory of the horse lords, I wondered if design team and spent enough time learning how to draw them. Or, women, for that matter considering the proportions they foisted on their heroine (the poor dear).

Special thanks to Ashbourne’s Olwyn and Michael Wildman*** as General Targg, being two actors who marry both the deep emotion that runs through the film with sensible, even humorous pronunciations. Indeed the resourceful Olwyn and Targg the Extremely Reasonable and Fair, probably would have wrapped up the whole war with minimal bloodshed if it was’t for the hot headed royals whom they serve.

Considering where other films of Middle Earth have gone (coughAlfridcoughcough) The War of the Rohirrim is far from the greatest hash people made of it. It’s a treat for the eyes, and for all its bloodthirstiness a solid message of hope in dark and despairing times. Worth your time to watch on the big screen, and let the horns of violins of the Horse Lords ring out one last time. But do it on a budget night. And make a list after of the mighty swings and baffling misses the talented folks wrought. The unflattering view of the murder chicken, for example, or The Totally Preventable Fate of the Dunlending drummer. Honestly, I thought the genre was supposed to fantasy, not surrealism.

* 2024 contender for the Avin Tavishill Nifty Name Award

** Another contender for the 2024 Avin Tavishill

*** Yet another contender for the 2024 ATNNA